Wednesday, November 21, 2007

trying to fit in

i always feel so left out on holidays. at times it feels cool because its kind of like i am not doing the traditional crap like everyone else, but after receiving looks of 'pity' from friends when i tell them we don't really celebrate thanksgiving and no i don't want to attend their family thanksgiving, i begin to feel countryless, traditionless. yes, i don't understand thanksgiving, or even if i do understand it, i have 0 emotional connection to it. i don't have family here, dagny always goes to her dad's, i don't really enjoy cooking and if i was going to cook i definately don't want to cook turkey and gravy. but its not like i celebrate many georgian or russian holidays, so once again i just don't fit in anywhere. there seems to be so much tension around holidays in general, families seem to stress out, fight, argue, talk about each other in mean ways afterwards... john however tells me his family never did that. john loves to paint a perfect picture of his family. he says they all just ate,got along, watched tv and fell asleap early. thus i feel double, triple guilty and just bad. i am the wife who doesn't really care to cook big meal and set up a table in a fancy way and create these traditions. instead i want to go play penny slots in wendover or read a good book in bed with a tea pot on all night or eat tv dinners like in 'stranger than paradise' or go see double feature starting in the early afternoon or go have vietnameese food or go around salt lake and take photos of people's houses as they eat from outside or practice piano all nigth long or drink a lot of whisky or spend a day minimizing all my posessions...
maybe i am a bad immigrant, mother and wife?
maybe it is really difficult for me not to feel displaced.
maybe i am just being difficult.
maybe everyone around just can't handle when people don't do what they do.
maybe i should just do my homework.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

red state

regina spector told all of us on friday to shut the fuck up, if we didn't want to listen to her music.
i think as we create 'art' we have to allow people to react / interpret it whatever way they want to.
it was a good show anyway. people think i look like her, it must be the russian thing. i do want to play music...
last night i had a dream dagny started to smoke sigarettes, ironically yesterday was the first day she acted semi normal.
she was less moody compared to general, she actually joked and treated us like we werr pleasant people. what a surprise, huh? my parents are actually cool and funny and young...
today i voted, all democratic votes in this red red state. funny, red country to red state. go figure.

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